Just when I thought this week would involve nothing but work and celebrations, I ended up spending a better part of it at the Capitol University Medical Center, after Mom got confined last Wednesday for hypertension. Now that was some scare. The jokes life sometimes plays on us are anything but hilarious. Staying at the ER for hours because her blood pressure would not stabilize was like being trapped in a loony bin for days. Screaming here and screaming there. One patient was writhing in pain due to gall stones and another one was screaming his lungs out for heaven-knows-what. And the ambulance transport was one of the most hellish rides ever, both figuratively and literally, as they did not have air-conditioning. So much for rising blood pressures!
I was off work for two days now, and probably will be off work tomorrow as well, which is a Friday, and here’s me hoping and praying that we’ll be home by then. I still cannot stand hospitals and emergency room dramas, even one as luxurious as the CUMC, and I absolutely hate coming home to an empty house during the evenings, when my sister would sit in for me at the hospital so I could get a good night’s rest for an entire daughterly duty the day after.
Today I spent the entire day at the hospital, watching television, reading, assisting Mom with her meals and other personal stuff, running errands, receiving visitors, and gazing out the window where I could see an expanse of blue sky and clouds, later turning gray, wishing I were someplace else. Then it occurred to me that not all days turn out to be sunny, no matter how much we want them to be all dappled in sunlight and smelling of roses, so I guess I should not complain.
I just wish we were back home. I wish I’ll never see Mom in that hospital bed ever again, at least not for a very long time, and I wish I could see her busying herself in the garden again or tinkering with anything in the kitchen. And these days, of all days, I wish I had someone who would hold my hand and give me tight hugs, assuring me everything was going to be alright, someone who would crack jokes just when my eyes would begin to glaze over with tears, and tell me that I don’t look exactly pretty when I cry.
Today of all days, I missed being someone’s princess. But hey, princesses often get spoiled, and I don’t want to be a rotten fruit ever again. If I could find someone who can tame me without spoiling me then I’d gladly hand my independence over. Sometimes I wish it was anywhere between 2004 to 2008 all over again, those four years when I had everything I could have ever wanted, only I was too foolish and too arrogant not to choose what really mattered. And yeah, I allowed myself to get really rotten, that’s how stupid I was. 🙂
The one thing I hate about getting a really good scare is that it’s easy to turn mushy and sentimental all of a sudden, realizing how flimsy life can be, and for all its fleeting glory, sometimes, it’s not always about what you do with life that matters. “Sometimes, it’s also about who you’re with when you’re doing it.”
Not that I hate being independent and all. It’s just that it’s nice to let your guard down for once, and show the world how soft and small and vulnerable your heart really is, most sunless days.